I am notoriously and fiercely independent. I don’t like depending on people for anything , I started walking before my first birthday because I was tired of waiting for someone to take me down the stairs. Armed with this personality trait I naturally hated group projects at school, I hated them so much I remember in the 3rd grade we were being paired up for projects on countries, I knew the class had an odd number of students which meant that their would be one group of 3, I privately went to my teacher and begged her to let me work alone she reluctantly agreed (Miss Swanepoel I owe you one). I don’t like relying on other people, often I have and I’ve been disappointed or I end up doing all the work anyway so might as well work alone. All through primary and high school I always preferred to work alone.
When I got to college and started to really understand the mechanisms of creating theatre , of creating art I found that I suddenly needed others I needed my own community to help me bring my stories to life. My college was a small independent school with small class sizes and we spent 4 years creating magic. We wrote and created productions, we worked together ,we made art- of course it wasn’t all moonshine and roses- but we were creating and I was in heaven, even the bad and mad days produced wonderful things. In my head I had dreamed up this fantasy where my classmates and I would stay connected and we always find a way to collaborate on projects throughout our careers, but it was not to be, life took us all in different directions -as is its way- and I think I can count on one hand those of us who actually still work in this industry, when I made my peace with that I became a lone ranger again creating but never sharing, resigning all of the stories and ideas to a folder on my desktop.
During the pandemic when it felt like we had lost everything creative and we had to find new ways to tell stories I hungered for community, for a community of artists -I even tried to get my classmates back together to record us singing one last time , when that didn’t work out the hunger for community grew slowly to starvation, I was growing increasingly envious of those who had found their community and who were creating, it was around this time the old saying “don’t wait, create” kept gnawing at me and I realized I don’t think I actively sought out my community of artists-college classmates were a built in community we were all there anyway - why am I waiting for someone to say “hey girl come join us” I wondered, what is stopping me from reaching out first?…it was fear. Fear that my art is not good enough, fear of failure, fear of judgment and that imposter syndrome always lurking in the dark corners of my mind.
My dream is to be part of a group of creatives where we have a safe space where you can say here is my idea what do you think? is it absolute rubbish? ok how can we make it better, how can we build on this. Is it a good idea? ok how can we bring it to life. Creating art is such a soul baring thing to do and as artists we need our community, our core group of people who say “ I got you” , my people are out there but fear was stopping me from finding them.
In her Tony acceptance speech this year Deidre O’Connell said “…for every person who is wondering ……. ‘should I be making the weird art that is haunting me , that frightens me, that I don’t know how to make, that I don’t know if anyone in the whole world will understand?’ please let me standing here be a little sign to you from the universe to make the weird art”
Her words took root in my heart and started pushing me , I am on the verge of living in a new country , in a new city and while I feel terrified I also feel braver than ever, as I stand on the precipice of my new chapter, I find that I am actively making my connections ,I am finding my core group, my safe space so I can make my weird art.
Moving to California from SA was a huge transition. In art (after doing art in Grade 8 years back) I found comfort. Your blogs inspires me to also write more. I now write an annual blog for a digital magazine (a initiative by a lovely young couple wanting to make a difference. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.