Hello! Happy New Year!
I’ve not written in a while -not for lack of things to say but rather I found that every time I sat down to write I couldn’t seem to string a coherent sentence together or get my mind to focus for long enough to try, ALOT happened in 2023 and my brain just couldn’t or wouldn’t settle down and let me focus- once I’ve untangled 2023 I think I will be able to share those stories for now its 2024-WHAT!- and I’m feeling something I’ve not felt in a long time…peace and quiet is that you?
As New Years approached at the end of 2018 I started to feel anxious and restless like a plant whose soil was eroding around it leaving its roots vulnerable and without foundation, it was un comfortable but I thought hey, I’d just made big life decision in the months before and I was turning 30 early in 2019 so I figured this was just a sort of transition period, it will settle after my birthday I thought…I was wrong it did not settle it got progressively worse and more and more uncomfortable, it was like pieces of myself were being stripped away, as much as tried I couldn’t stop it and I couldn’t figure out what the hell it was , the end of 2019 arrived in a flash, another new years and birthday looming and still this feeling of angst and restlessness grew and now it was mixing with feelings of inadequacy and dread, then 2020 happened and I’m sure I don’t need to tell you how that went, end of 2020 another new year rolls around and now the birthday candles are counting 32 and I feel like I’m falling deeper and deeper into the abyss, measuring myself against my friends and my peers and always coming up short, running but never catching up to the group, pieces of myself stripping away until November 2021 when my father died and it felt like all of my layers had been stripped away and I was a red, raw piece of matter just falling deeper and deeper and then suddenly crashing into the rock hard ground and everything went still and dark.
2022 dawned and I had to figure out how to put the pieces of myself together, slowly , painstakingly crawling around looking for missing pieces and healing rawness so that new pieces could grow, 2023 dawned I managed to stand again, with every month of 2023 I learnt how walk again, healing old wounds and growing new skin that felt fresh and liberating, slow steps at first until they quicken to a slow walk that felt rooted and secure and safe. I started to feel like me again, I started to feel real again…I started to feel peace again. I will always have the wounds of what I am now calling “the before times” but the wounds are smaller and they hurt less and less, the end of 2023 arrived and for the first time in a long time I felt content, peace at the prospect of a new year...dare I say happy even?
Tomorrow is my 35th birthday(which is ridiculous because I’m still 21) and for the first time I think I’m excited about my birthday, I usually do my best to ignore the day-if you don’t acknowledge it its not happening right?- I have spent so many birthdays berating myself for not being in a certain space in life at a certain age but not tomorrow, tomorrow I will let my people celebrate me and I will eat my cake without guilt or fear or loathing. I feel finally I am on a path that I am meant to be on, I have had good fortune sprinkled on me in the past few weeks, it had been so very long since I felt favored by fortune and when I was allowing imposter syndrome to creep up my friend Kate would not have it she reminded me that I am not a fish out of water I am a crocodile equally adept on land as in the water and she reminded me that I have “earned every good thing because you kept going even when things were f***ing hard” .
For the first time I believe myself when I say “this year is going to be a good one”.
2018-2023 were the before times, the mercury retrograde years, the growing pains years. I thank them for their service and I bid them good riddance .
I walk into 2024 and my 35th year with the sun shining upon my face and the wind gently and warmly at my back.
I wish you all a year of peace, prosperity and always a dose of magic!
xxx
Love your writing and I look forward to reading every time a notification comes through. It’s amazing to hear how you are feeling more positive as you deserve all the happiness, health and luck in the world. More importantly, happy birthday ❤️
Fantastic to hear that your perseverance has been blessed with some good fortune - I hope that the new momentum grows stronger.