Dear Daddy...

A letter to my father 3 years after his passing.

Dear Daddy

It has been 3 years since I have heard your voice, felt your hugs or smelt your cologne. 156 weeks of wondering if you can see me and hear me when I talk to you. 1095 days of this aching ,gaping hole in my heart, 26280 hours of the deepest missing, 1,576,800 minutes of learning to put one foot in front of the other and learning to exit in a different world.

The first 2 years were hard-I’m sure you know that- they were bottom of the dark well hard, this year has been easier, I decided to afford myself kindness and grace, I know you would have approved of that choice.

I wish I could talk to you about whats happening in my space, I want to tell you about the friends I’ve made in the past year who have saved me and I want to tell you about the friends who you knew and loved and who have continued to surround me with love and offer a safe space from the minute you were gone.

I wish you could have been at Doms wedding -Daddy can you believe your Bapsie got married!- she looked sooo beautiful and her and Jody are so happy, you would be so proud. All your besties were there, they missed their Dimmy thats for sure but Wow we gave ourselves a time, you would have LOVED that weekend. I know that you are responsible for the glorious weather we had that day and the butterfly landing on Gracie’s head just before she walked down the aisle , I know that was you.

I wish you could be here as we get ready to celebrate Steve’s 21^st- Pops, your Sonny is all grown up-, you would be so proud of him and how he is thriving at college, I cant believe he’s like an actual adult, remember how Dom and I always treated him like our baby- we still do but we are learning to accept he is grown up. He is so kind and mature and I know he misses you more than anything.

I wish you could see mom, literally taking over as the head of the family ,fighting with the medical aid-jy wiet sy kan skel - ,learning about cars and managing all the things you used to do. She grieves in her own way and we try we give her space for that. She still can’t sit still she’s always got a project on the go but you will be pleased to know none of those projects are home improvement projects- although she did finally put the house number up, you know the one you forgot to do, it took her 3 years but its up.

I wish you could be here at Christmastime especially when its putting up the tree day because now I am in charge of the lights and I just need to know why on earth you kept all those broken tree lights, which I curse every year but somehow cant seem to through away.

Of all he wishes I have ,the one I wish the most is that you could be here to help me celebrate my wins, this year I have won and won and I know that its because you must have had a hand in it, I know my wins come from you, I just you wish you were here to see it.My friend Michael says I am “ drowning in that Grace” and he is right, I know that graces comes from you.

Next year I start a new adventure and while talking about it to Angela- you know mammy Ange from Ireland-she said she feels that it is you pointing me into that direction and that I must trust where you are leading me, so I get ready to leap. Your words “ success is 20% effort but 80% determination” rings in my ears.

People tell me often that I look like you or that I remind them of you, that fills me pride, I have caught myself making the same facial expressions you did or nodding my head the way you did while I am listening to a story. I guess maybe the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree- God I hope so because your tree was the finest.

I will never be the same person I was before November 9^th 2021, I will now forever be the person I became on that day when one world ended and new one began.

I guess all I’m trying to say is I miss you so much I think my heart will shatter to pieces but I keep comfort in the fact that you gave me a fathers love so freely and so richly and so unconditionally and for that I will be eternally grateful. I know your love is forever

I hope the sun is always shining where you are, I hope they play only ‘TS Jams’, I hope the Turkish delight is sweet, the rum and coke is chilled and the food is like moms.

I love you fiercely and forever. I’ll see you in my dreams.

Love always

Tebs

X

P.S tell Prisleen I miss her.