365 days Later...

Today marks 1 year since my father passed away. I’ve spent the weeks leading up to this day in a daze of step retracing, I have thought about what I was doing last year, what I would have done differently if I knew we had 4 days left, 2 days left, 1 day left but it does not do to dwell on things like that if I intend to keep what little I have left of my sanity.

I wondered how I would feel waking up this morning, would it be sunshine or showers and to be very honest there was just a very eerie calm no big song and dance. In a perfect world my father and I would spend today debating the USA election results and then watching the new season of The Crown which would lead to an animated conversation. In this new world I am learning to do these things alone.

I mentioned to a friend that I feel like time is a scam and she said to me “Time and dates feel insignificant and at the same time so debilitating” when Taylor Swift sang “ time, mystical time cutting me open then healing me fine” she hit the nail on the head.

I have profoundly changed as a person over the past year, I have lost parts of me , found them again and then subsequently lost it again. I have stepped up to the plate and I have cowered in the shadows. Grief is a maze I have not yet managed to navigate but we try again in the morning.

So as I sit here marking 365 days of not seeing my father, hearing him, hugging him, smelling him ,525 600 minuets of waiting to wake up from a never ending dream. I find there is nothing to say and everything to say.

x