2022: Good Riddance to Bad Rubbish
I remember the first time I read that the late Queen Elizabeth II called 1992 her “annus horribilis” I giggled a little and thought “ dear old Liz, surely a WHOLE year cannot be that bad”…… exactly 30 years later I must apologize to the Queen because I finally understand….. I declare that 2022 has been my annus horribilis, the longest, hardest, worst year of my life.
2021 had its good moments until the end when it all very quickly went to shit, even 2020 that beastly year of change and uncertainty brought me twinkling moments but not 2022, no she has been a ruthless, unforgiving tyrant who has tied stones to my ankles and dropped me into the middle of the ocean.
As we near the end of the year I think its quite natural for us to look back on our own personal year and to reflect. We celebrate the good, we move on from the bad and we surrender the future to the universe.
As I was doing my looking back and reflecting it astounded me that there is not one thing that happened to me this year that stood out as joyful or something worth celebrating. “Tarryn Steyn you lie like a rug” I hear you declare “Your Instagram has been lit this year” ah let me take this time to remind you that social media is a highlight reel a heavily curated highlight reel…you see only what I want you to see, “But what about the times I saw you in real life, you were always laughing and joking, living life” I hear you protest, that is called self preservation bestie, also the small matter of me being an actor…a good one.
There were moments I thought might be ones worth celebrating but they are tainted by disappointment, a set back or people -who will always find a way to ruin things-. Relationships in my life that felt as if they would always be there safe and secure have eroded and will never be the same again. People I have trusted and respected have broken that trust severely. It is a surprise to me that I’ve made it to the end of the year with my sanity and humour in tact. This year has quite frankly been a f***ing disaster and I cannot wait to see the back of it. What I know for sure is I cannot live through another month of this year.
When the last full moon of 2022 appeared I did what every good coven witch does, I saged the place, I went out and basked in the glorious moonlight and I charged my crystals but I also rid myself of the rotting stench of 2022 and I promised myself from now on I would protect my peace at all costs, I would stop bending, breaking and twisting myself into a pretzel like shape doing what other people, what society expects of me. I’m a grown up who has allowed those in positions of power to laud that over me for far too long. The only person I care about pleasing is myself, I can no longer subject myself to environments that make me feel anxious or less than, environments filled with people who do not add anything of value to my life. I can hear the protests now from those I need to untangle myself from those who feel they are entitled to my obedience and a space in my life.
I often say if you took an x-ray of my soul you would find the most distorted looking shape from over 30 years of doing things because people expected it from me or because I know if I follow my heart and my gut it would cause conflict so I bent and broke myself to keep the peace, that was my choice and with all decisions there are consequences, the consequence of bending and breaking was that I allowed myself to be governed by fear and angst which has led to great personal failures and many personal disappointments, many hard things I had to forgive myself for. Now the onus is on me to ensure I am no longer a shape shifter, that I own my space and that I protect my peace at all costs. I have seen the bottom of the barrel and it is wretched and I don’t ever want to find myself down there again.
My friend Claire Vogeli-who is so very wise - recently reflected on her own journey and while our journeys are very different her sentiments really struck a chord with me and she graciously allowed me to quote her here “Waking up one day , a stranger to yourself, and realizing the change has taken place over time and there’s no going back…..2023 is going to be a defining year for me , I can feel it in my marrow. I’m resistant but at the same time I am out of choices. Growth is a literal rollercoaster and it’s not as littered with self-love and bubble baths as they said it would be. But I know deep down its for good. Do I? Yes, I have to believe it is or what’s the point of this feeling”
As I sign off for the year, I hope that whatever the year held for you, that you are able to celebrate your wins, forgive yourself for your mistakes and listen to your own voice before you hear anyone else’s… you owe that to yourself.
I wish you and yours a happy holiday season.
xx